Using my discrimination
In the eighth verse Shri Vallabhacharya says:
Stutim Tav Karoti Kah Kamalaja sapatni Priye
Har er yadhanu Sevaya Bhavati Soukhya Mumokshya tah
Iya Tava Kath adhika Sakala Gopika Sangamah,
Smara Shramajala nabhi Sakal Gatra jai Sangamah (8)
I sing hymns in your praise. Devotion helps me understand that Krishna favours you because you too are a part of Him, like Kamalaja. I get a lot of pleasure, feel refreshed and very peaceful when I serve you. I can aspire for Moksha when I serve you accordingly. Why – I need to do only so much for you. Associate with gopis, think about you, take the effort to stay connected to you to create a harmonious sangam within my mind, body and heart.
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Using my discrimination
I like chanting and feel closer to Yamunaji when I do so. Earlier I had to make the effort to learn it properly. Yamunaji seems like a friendly humane goddess to me. Somehow I think Krishna, Murari, Mukunda and Vishnu are beyond my grasp because I continue to fumble and falter in my spiritual progress. It is sporadic and slow, like Yamunaji’s mount, the tortoise. Often, like the tortoise I retreat into my shell and let the divinity of Yamunaji flow over and around me.
But I am content with my spiritual progress. I look back. The Samudra Manthan takes place on the back of Kurma, a turtle. Vaikuntha Kamalajaa too has a turtle and Garuda beside her. I make a symbolic connection. I understand that I should just savour and relish such inward spiritual journeys without worrying about the pace.
Yet I look back again to check on the progress that I have made. I hated myself when I allowed my fears to overwhelm me. And I did not like dealing with the loneliness when my Mura took charge of my life. I have an aversion for Maya’s delusions now. But I was so happy in my delusional world of love. I loved my work. It gave me a purpose, a meaning and an identity. I loved the appreciation, the money, the name and the fame it brought with it. I even managed to create a beautiful sangam of Lakshmi, Saraswati and Kama in my life. But only when Mukunda liberated me from this bubble of illusions, did I start yearning for Yamunaji’s Bhakti.
The real world had not changed in any way. My challenges, my dreams, my desires, my hungers and my expectations have not suddenly vanished because I nurture Bhakti now. Bhakti has not changed my outer world. But Bhakti has transformed me slowly internally.
Bhakti has not given me the courage to walk ahead with confidence. But Bhakti has blessed me with stillness, calmness, serenity and bliss. The turmoil dies down. The anger and the pride dissipate. Bhakti gives me the good sense to walk in the right direction. It helps me choose the right path. Bhakti transforms to Shakti when I choose silence more often. And Bhakti transforms into Shakti when I choose my words carefully and am aware that I may hurt others with my words and actions. Bhakti gives me the sense of discrimination. It helps me think with clarity. It dispels the illusions of Maya and helps me see things from the other person’s point of view too.
Yes, Bhakti can be found even in the simplicity of a chant. I pause awhile. So long, I had assumed that Yamunaji helped me connect to the Krishna within me. Now I realize that Yamunaji is just another form of Krishna.
I am fascinated to learn about an entity like Vaikuntha Kamalajaa. She is He. He is She. The icons and paintings look divine. I didn’t need to connect to Yamunaji to connect to Murari and Mukunda and Krishna and Vishnu. Yamunaji is Murari. Yamunaji is Kamalajaa. Viraja is Radha. Yamunaji is Radha. Radha is Mukunda. Radha is Krishna. Lakshmi is Vishnu and Vishnu is Lakshmi.
I am relieved and happy to have finally found a path that connected me to Krishna directly. Now I can serve Him in my own way, at my own pace at any time. I feel as if I have now been blessed with a moral life line. My mind and my heart are anchored to Him.
No, the external challenges have not disappeared. Neither have I changed into a divine or holy person now. I am just more aware of the divinity within me. I need to nurture it consciously and regularly to see through the illusions of Maya. And this internal transformation is never permanent just as the external world is never permanent.
I will keep facing challenges. And I will keep succumbing to the temptations of Mura. I will continue to be overwhelmed by my fears. So I will continue to find it difficult to reprogram my inherent tendencies and gunas.
But I am more conscious about all these things now so choose my responses with a lot of deliberation. I anchor my ‘Chitta’ and channelize my energy in fruitful directions. That is the only thing that I can ever work on. So I do this with Bhakti.
I am a nonentity. And I do not know the reality. I assume I know the truth. So I prefer to harp on and focus on my truth. The real truth is too vast and too real for me to grasp. I realize this. So I leave such things to Sesha, Time. He will reveal ‘Sat’ to me. I focus on anchoring my Chitta by chanting. And I experience ‘Ananda’ when I chant with Bhakti. I want to bask in this kind of Ananda. So I read about the Maha Raas of Krishna and the gopis. Their love for Krishna is unconditional. Age, marital status, Time – nothing exists when they are with Krishna. Their love for Krishna is true – that is their only truth – they live in the company of truth – ‘Sat’- ‘sang’. I am awe struck by this realization.
All I need to do is to remain true to my ‘Sat’, remain in the company of my ‘Sat’ and express my love for Krishna unconditionally with my heart, body and my mind. That is my inner Sat – sa – ang. As long as I listen to my conscience I am doing Satsang. As long as I energize the Vishnu within me, I can keep Mura away. My definition of Sat-Chit-Ananda will be different from the definitions of others. But my Ananda expands my soul and creates room for others in my soul. There are no more barriers now. Humility nurtures Bhakti. Bhakti is Krishna. Krishna is Bhakti. Nothing else matters anymore.
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Photo given by Meera.
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