Overcoming My Fears
In the sixth verse, Vallabhacharya says:
Namostu Yamune Sada, Tav Charitra Mat adbhutam,
Na Jaatu Yam Yaatna, Bhav Ati Te Payaha Pana Taha,
Yamopi Bhagini Sutah Katham Uhati Dushtan Api,
Priyo Bhavati Seva nath, Tav Har yatha Gopikah (6)
I always bow down humbly before you, Yamuna. I believe in your fantastic character. By no means do thoughts of death torment me. I am spiritually enriched when I drink from your Bhakti. You are the sister of Yama and we, your children. How can he not change his verdict even though we are wicked? We are spiritually enriched and become extremely fond of the Lord when we take your name while serving Him just like the Gopis.
000∞∞∞∞00
Overcoming My Fears
I am scared of the mistakes that I have committed in the past. I am scared of the consequences that I have to face in the future. Sometimes, when I feel lonely, I let down my guard and accept my mistakes. I feel guilty for hurting others. But I don’t know if I am ready to ask for forgiveness. I don’t know if others will forgive me. And I am scared of getting hurt. So I put on a façade of pride, hide my fears, mask my thoughts and emotions behind it and pretend I am unaffected by it all.
During one of my lonely moments, I realize that at least Yamunaji will forgive me and accept me despite the mistakes that I have made. I bow down with humility in front of her and chant every day now. I can feel the calmness, the serenity flowing within me. Slowly, ever so slowly, my fears disappear – one by one. They resurface again. I chant again. Repeat. I feel safe now. I know I have erred. But I have unknowingly created space for a little hope too in my soul.
I smile with wry amusement at my own foolishness. Because I find I have a strange tendency. I use my free will freely – throwing caution to the winds, hurting others with my words and actions, and then conveniently park the blame on God’s shoulders and say that it was He who made me do it. Then I will blame my past karma. Or I will blame the situation. And I will say the other incited me to act in that manner. I will blame the world and the cosmos too but never myself.
I wonder about karma then. Maybe I am paying the consequences of my past actions. But at all times in my life I do have a choice. I can choose my words. And I can choose to think before I act. I can choose to put my knowledge to good use. I can choose to see money with the right perspective. And I am blessed indeed to have the power of discrimination. And it is my fault and mine alone, if I get carried away by my inflated fragile sense of ‘I’ – my ego.
I can feel Saraswati slowly drifting into my soul. I learn to choose my words more carefully from now on. But it is Yamunaji’s bhakti that makes the deepest impact on me.
I never knew the power of faith and a chant. I had finally found the key to the door of the fears and the pain that I had locked up deep within me. The key was faith. Devotion. Bhakti.
From experience I know that I will constantly face different fears till my dying day. But I can unlock and release all my fears with Yamunaji’s bhakti. When I read about Yama, karma and the different kinds of hell – I find that I am not too perturbed by all the details.
When I nurture Bhakti in my soul, I know Yamunaji will grasp my hand firmly in hers and walk me through all my challenges – in this life and the next – till I gain Moksha – liberation from this cycle of birth, death and rebirth.
I focus on Yamunaji and Bhakti now. So I consciously involve myself in satsang – physical, mental and emotional. I meditate. And I chant. I pray. I realize that I can create a temple in my mind and heart with this kind of satsang. My home is my Mathura. And I can fill it with bliss and devotion.
Yama does not look like an evil entity when I temper my soul with humility and bhakti. He is Yami’s brother. I am Her devotee. Yama will not harm me. He will impart the wisdom of righteousness to me. He is Dharmaraja. I will have to pay for the sins that I committed. But He and She, Yama and Yami will bless me with their divine energy and help me sail through it all.
I know some day I will outgrow all my fears and my hungers. And I know some day I will be able to settle my account in Chitragupta’s ledger. I wait eagerly for the day after that. That is the day Yamunaji will help me connect to Krishna. That thought gives me the courage to deal with the challenges that I am currently facing.
I can see my ego surfacing and resurfacing repeatedly in my life. And I continue to lose my balance several times. I continue to pay for the consequences of my words and actions. But my experiences transform me into a wiser and more mature person. I choose silence more often. So I am able to reflect more often. And I rely on Shesha, Time more often.
Instead of imparting unsolicited advice and foisting my opinions on others, I choose to observe from a distance. I let things be. I witness more often. Interact less often. I don’t seek to control others as much now. I let go. Things were meant to be this way. I no longer go about setting things right in others life. I focus on remaining in control in my life.
Dharma means righteousness – my first duty is to take care of myself and my life. I smile. For I understand the essence of self-control now. I bow down before Dharmaraja and Yami. I lower my barrier, my ego a little and allow a whole host of fears to seep out of my soul.
There is more space for Bhakti and righteousness and unconditional love now. I hug myself. And I no longer hate myself or berate myself for my past. I look forward to creating a better future for myself with the wisdom that now has a secure place in my life. And I know nothing will go wrong this time because Saraswati and Yamunaji are within me now. I feel safe. Finally. For today. And that is enough for me again.
00∞∞∞∞∞00
Photo given by Meera and Hema Ben.
Please click here to read my eBook titled : My Shree Yamunashtakam.
Please click here to read Yamunaji stories.