I had been studying in my college for quite a few months when this happened. I had wanted to join one of the most interesting clubs in my college. Somehow, I assumed that I would be accepted as a member. I mean, there was no reason for anyone to reject my application. I was doing quite well in all the subjects that I had opted for after all. But obviously, that was not enough to become a member of the club. And that came as a shock. A big one.
So when I looked at the list again. I was sure I had missed out on seeing my name. Yet the reality was staring at me in my face. My name was nowhere on that list. And I just went blank. Maybe I had intuitively sensed this because I had been experiencing a lot of negative emotions all through the day. Yes, it had been a rough day and this seemed to be the last straw.
I never expected that I would be rejected by a club. The members of this club had found something missing in my personality or my academic performance or some other aspect of my life. And that hurt. I had always thought of myself as an all-rounder.
And as the shock started sinking in, suddenly I did not know what to do in my life. I started finding faults and flaws in myself and was overwhelmed by all my conflicting emotions. I bottled it up for as long as I could and put on a cheerful dismissive façade too. But even though my friend and I were working on our daily assignment, I was finding it difficult to focus.
I knew I was feeling lost and I didn’t know what exactly to do about it. I wondered what I was doing in this college and what I would end up doing in my life. My life seemed like a blank slate.
And then I started feeling guilty. I wondered if I was wasting all my parents’ hard-earned money. Then I started doubting myself and knew for sure that all that I was doing here was a sheer waste of time and energy. I just couldn’t handle it all and I badly wanted to break down.
When I found that I could no longer control myself, I just broke down. But even that didn’t make me feel any better. I spoke loudly to myself and said, “Aditi, you should be brave enough to handle things on your own.” But heart of hearts I had to accept that I wasn’t really all that brave.
And then I wondered to myself, “Why should we hide our emotions? Why do we feel we are brave when we successfully hide our emotions? These are emotions after all. And it was quite okay to be overwhelmed by them, wasn’t it? And why did I presume that crying was a bad thing? Why I had promised myself that I would not break down in front of my parents?”
And would I be able to keep that kind of a promise? I dismissed all these thoughts from my mind, picked up my phone and called my dad. I took a deep breath, held on to my courage and spoke to him as normally as I could. But I couldn’t control my tears. They just flowed out of my eyes.
My dad passed the phone to my mom. My god, I felt this was the toughest thing I had done that day. The minute I heard her voice, tears started streaming down my face freely. I just could not speak anymore. I said, “Please Ma. Give the phone back to dad. I have something important to tell him.”She understood that I was not doing too well. Immediately.
My dad said, “What happened beta?” I said, “Nothing papa. I’m just feeling lost.”And then I cried peacefully over the phone for a good few minutes. Finally, I spoke up and said, “Don’t tell mom that I was crying.”He said, “That is not important right now. Don’t worry about it. Not all things that you want will work out the way you want them to in life. But nothing in life goes waste either. I have seen you working hard. I have seen you grow and develop all through your childhood years.
Rejections are a normal part of life. Feeling lost is also normal. You have joined a course on liberal arts. And art is all about exploring yourself. From next year onwards you will be completely focussing only on one thing. How will you know what you want to focus on unless you explore all your options properly? Look at the other options that are available to you right now. You can reapply for this club’s membership next year too.”
I felt better. A whole lot better when I heard my dad’s sensible words. We chatted for some more time after that. But I could not completely shake off the feeling of rejection either. It continued to poke through my conscience.
Today, when I look back to that day, I can clearly see one thing. That particular day had actually been an extremely good day for me. In the sense that it was on that day that I realized that I had started taking the decisions related to my life on my own.
It was on that day that I understood the depth of my dad’s words when he said, “You will not find any life lessons amidst the pages of your books. There is a difference between knowledge, wisdom and maturity. Knowledge can only get you so far ahead in life. Your experiences will give you a mature outlook and make you a sensible and wise person.”
Today, I know that all the lessons that we learn in our lives may not always be pleasant. Some may be bitter and unpalatable too. But it is these lessons that transform us into bold, confident and sensitive human beings. I knew this would be a long journey but I was prepared to face my challenges squarely. And learn every single lesson that my life taught me.