Sangam Of My Tendencies
In the fifth verse Vallabhacharya says:
Yaya Charan Padmajaa, Muraripo Priyam Bhavuka,
Samagamanato Bhavat, Sakal Siddhida Sevatam,
Taya Sadrash tami yat, Kamalaja sapatni Vayat,
Hari Priya Kalindiya Manasi Me Sada Sthiyataam(5)
Born from the touch of Vishnu’s lotus feet, Ganga progresses swiftly and wilfully. Murari looks at her ego and passion with kindness. After your waters merge with the waters of Ganga, she too gains all your divine powers of Bhakti. You, weave in qualities like restraint even in the first wife of Vishnu, the lotus born, Kamalaja. O Kalindi, Hari’s favourite wife, reside in my heart forever.
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Sangam Of My Tendencies
Sometimes I can create as many sangams as I want to in my heart, mind and soul with my awareness. Sometimes I don’t even realize that such sangams existed within me. I am born with some sangams but become aware about them only later on in my life.
I have this beautiful sangam of Rajasic, Tamasic and Sattvic tendencies within me. But I like to think that I have only Sattvic qualities within me. I can unearth my rajasic and tamasic tendencies only when I am honest with myself. These three gunas emerge within me in different proportions at different times of my life. When I experience the impact of all these three gunas I feel like connecting to Krishna.
In this verse Ganga displays Rajasic, Yamunaji Tamasic and Saraswati Satvic qualities. Ganga may be wilful and proud but she also liberates the 7 Vasus by giving birth to them and grants ‘Moksha’ to all her devotees. The makara is Ganga’s mount. Vishnu and Shiva too wear makara shaped earrings. The makara is a guardian of doorways and thresholds. This symbolises transition – a shift in focus. From Moksha to Bhakti. It is so obvious. Without Bhakti we can never get Moksha.
Yamunaji’s Tamasic nature signifies her unconditional love and Bhakti for Krishna. She asks no questions. And she wants no answers. She just follows Krishna because she loves Him. I wonder if I will ever be able to vanquish my pride, control my senses and follow the path of Bhakti so unconditionally like her.
Yamunaji’s mount is a tortoise. Again it perfectly aligns with her slow flow. It’s so clear. I know I cannot forge a deep bond of unconditional love with God quickly. I have to consciously work on it consistently if I want to nurture Bhakti.
Yamunaji complements Ganga’s wilful nature and slows her down with her devotion. Yamunaji wants Ganga, her twin sister to cultivate a quality like restraint. Saraswati symbolises the Satvic guna. She needs no external validation. For she is an invisible entity. She flows underground. She is always around us somewhere. But we can see her only if we are aware of her. Her mount is a swan. It has the ability of separating milk from water and symbolises the power of discrimination. She knows her worth. So she comes willingly and easily to those who consciously seek her. She transforms their lives forever with her wisdom, good sense and speech. But Vidya (knowledge) can transform itself into Gyan (wisdom) only with Bhakti.
This kind of sangam gives me clarity. Bhakti neutralizes the pride and passion of Ganga so that the wisdom of Saraswati can flow into our lives. I think of a different kind of sangam that exists in my life. I live in the material world. So I cannot sustain myself with my knowledge alone. I cannot live with Saraswati alone. I need Lakshmi too. Saraswati gives my life meaning. Lakshmi gives it value.
So I pursue Lakshmi relentlessly. My fears and my insecurity goad me every now and then. I realize that I can solve almost all my problems if I have enough Lakshmi in my pocket. So I chase Lakshmi. Sometimes I even forget my fears because I am so focussed on feeding my hungers.
Eventually, I do have an abundance of Lakshmi. But by now my fears and my hungers too have gained gigantic proportions. I want more. All the time. Greed has entered my mind. Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth is referred to as Kamalajaa, the lotus born wife of Vishnu. But I find it difficult to detach myself from the murky waters of my greed. I think it is fine if my life has no meaning to it. Lakshmi has added a lot of value to my life. I feel that compensates for everything else.
Lakshmi is always accompanied by Alakshmi, her twin sister who is the goddess of strife. I had forgotten about Lakshmi’s whimsical nature. I ignored the fact that Lakshmi never gets along with Saraswati because Saraswati no longer matters to me.
So Saraswati flows out of my life. Saraswati is also known as Vagdevi, the goddess of speech. But since she is not with me anymore, I have no control over my words. Alakshmi is waiting to sneak in. Discord disrupts my life. Even if Lakshmi chooses to stay with me, my life has no meaning now. Everything seems so hollow.
Ego blinds me. Wisdom deserts me. Discord disrupts my peace. I realize my follies. I know I have blundered. And I am aware that I have hurt others with my words. I wonder if it is too late to repair the damage.
But my ego has gained gigantic proportions by now. I cannot vanquish it so easily. It is no longer that firm defensive barrier that protected my fears and my pain. Pride wins against humility. I am too proud, successful and rich to accept my mistakes. To myself too. My pride, my success and my wealth cannot fill the void that exists in my soul. It all seems so empty. Devoid of meaning. Devoid of value. Alakshmi wins hands down. Lakshmi seems to have no value. Saraswati remains elusive.
I wait for Sesha, Time, to take over and leave it to him to do the healing. I had a wonderful sangam in my life. And I regret losing it all. I know I can never get back what I lost. A new fear enters my heart now. I wonder how I will face the consequences of my words and actions.
I don’t know what to do. So I surrender. I chant the Shree Yamunashtakam. Yes, I have lost Lakshmi. I have lost Saraswati. But I still have Yamunaji with me. She accepts my mistakes unconditionally. I finally understand the meaning of unconditional love and devotion. That is why Krishna has created such a special place for Yamunaji’s Bhakti within Him. My ego has taken a big beating. I make it a point to connect to Yamunaji more frequently now.
000∞∞∞∞00
Photo given by Meera.
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