Balancing my inner and outer worlds
In the fourth verse Vallabhacharya says:
Anant Guna Bhushite, Shiv Viranchi Devastute,
Ghana Ghan Nive Sada, Dhruv Parashara Bisyati,
Vishuddha Mathura Tate, Sakal Gop Gopi Brute,
Kripa Jaladhi Shram shrite Mam Manah Sukh Bhavayah(4)
You are adorned with infinite qualities. Gods like Shiva, Brahma and other devas extol your virtues. Like the dense clouds you always urge me to be like Dhruv and Parashar. All the Gopas and the gopis speak about you in the very holy city of Mathura, which lies on your banks. When I take the effort of sipping on your waters and praying to you, my soul experiences bliss.
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Balancing my inner and outer worlds
Like Saranya, Suryatanaya’s mother, I too am often awestruck by the splendour of God. When compared to the infinite qualities of Vishnu, I feel like a nice round zero. But I like to believe that I have only good qualities within me. So I don’t always make these kinds of comparisons. But somewhere deep down I do know that in the grand scheme of things, I will always remain a non-entity. This forces me to acknowledge my pride. I never knew it existed within me. But now I can see it clearly – for a while at least.
I am intrigued by the nuances of the verse, so my ‘I’- ness fades into the background briefly. Dhruva is mere lad. Dhruva renounces his wordly life, creates and lives in a world of his own till he gets what he wants. Vishnu does bless him but also tells him that he has to live through his life on earth before he gains a permanent position in the cosmos. Dhruva forgets the very reason for his penance when Vishnu appears before him. Yes, my desires and expectations too keep changing with time.
Parashara is a scholar, a maharshi who wrote several religious texts. He is much older than Dhruva yet he creates a world of his own, lives in it fleetingly to satiate his desire. And eventually returns to the real world. I now realize I could outgrow or succumb to my desires, fears, expectations etc. at any point of time in my life.
There is nothing wrong in having dreams and desires either. I can create and live in my own world of dreams and desires as long as I am able to strike a balance with the real world. I may not have infinite qualities like Vishnu. But when I nurture my talents, skills and dreams; I am able to hone the qualities that I have and transform into a better human being. I get a lot of satisfaction when I do things I love. This gives me a deep sense of fulfilment and bliss.
These qualities are intangible – nirguna. I can only feel them. But they mean a lot to me. They give my life a purpose and a meaning. And they add value to my life. They are precious to me. I feel happier when I get monetary rewards, name, fame and success for the work I do. That is when my inherent nirguna qualities transform into a tangible saguna form. I am able to measure all these things. They too fill me with a lot of happiness.
Yes, I do know that I need to strike that delicate balance between ambition and duty – between things I like doing and things I have to do. I cannot live in the world of my creation forever. That would be nurturing only Brahma. That would make me selfish.
I cannot detach myself from my world of dreams completely either. That would be akin to nurturing Shiva alone. I don’t want to outgrow all my dreams and desires. That scares me. I like having a purpose in life. And I like to think and feel. I cannot live in isolation in a kind of void like Shiva. I’m glad I don’t have to live like that.
But I must cultivate a certain amount of detachment too. Too much attachment only leads to frustration. Desire and duty; attachment and detachment; pride and humility – these are the things that I have to consciously work on to achieve that balanced state of mind and heart.
It is easy to get carried away by my endless dreams, desires, ambitions, name, fame, success etc. Negative tendencies like pride cloud my vision and distort my perspectives on life. I am careful of one thing though – I should never fulfil my dreams at the expense of others.
All this makes me pause a while. I dip into the bhakti of Yamunaji and get the shakti to nurture the Vishnu that lies dormant within me. She helps me reach Krishna. But like the gopis, I have to consciously make the effort to get that balance and connect to Him.
I have to cleanse and purify my thoughts and emotions regularly. The gopis could talk of nothing else but Krishna. Whether they lived in Gokul or Vraj or Vrindavan or Mathura – they talked only about Him. That is ‘satsang’, good company. I realize it’s worth now. But I choose to define it a little differently. Yamunaji nods in assent with a smile.
To me, physical ‘satsang’ means a clean body and clean surroundings. Mental ‘satsang’ is when I feed my mind with good thoughts. Emotional ‘satsang’ is consciously controlling negative emotions. Practising silence too is a kind of internal ‘satsang’. I smile. Because I think these things can be practised easily every day. I also feel they will help me cultivate other good qualities that I lack currently.
Suddenly the dark dense clouds of confusion are dispelled from my heart and mind. Vishnu and Brahma and Shiva look like Gods that I can connect to as long as I have Yamunaji’s Bhakti and Shakti with me. I am so engrossed in this world of my own creation that I forget that I cannot reside in it forever. But Jaladhi, the mount of Varuna, has helped me make a little progress with this kind of understanding. So I find it easy to make that transition to my real world.
I have several roles to play and several duties that need my immediate attention. But I get the much needed positive energy from this world that I create and live in for a brief span of time every day. This positive energy gives me the shakti to perform my duties with love and devotion.
I had fiercely protected all my dreams and desires behind that defensive barrier of mine, my ego so far. But I am now willing to drop down that barrier by another notch. I am content so I feel like including others in my contentment. Yes, I know it is Yamunaji’s bhakti that gives me the courage and the good sense to make these compromises. I continue to seek refuge in her chant because now I am eager to strike a balance between my inner and outer world every day.
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Photo given by Meera.
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