Watching My Actions
In the second verse, Shri Vallabhacharya says:
Kalinda giri mastake pathata manda poorojwala,
Vilasa gamon ola sat, prakata ganda shailo nata.
Saghosha gati dantura, sama dheeru dol ottama,
Mukunda Rati vardhani, Jayati Padma Bandho Sutah(2)
You come from the mountain head of Kalinda. Sometimes your pristine white waters descend at a slow pace. At other times you manifest gracefully with full force filling the mountains with your echoes. Your divine fragrance permeates through the air as you wind down through the mountains. The uneven terrain equalizes the speed and the force of your waters. You look as if you are sitting on a majestic palanquin. You are the container of divine love that Mukunda sips from. We, your children, are able to conquer our weaknesses when we connect to the lotus hued Mukunda.
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Watching My Actions
I make a tentative effort to connect to Yamunaji more deeply. But am not always able to. Sometimes I get carried away by my other priorities. Often I just forget to do so. More often than not God still looks like a friendly father figure to me. But there are times when I am scared and awestruck by his powers. And there are times, when I leave everything and cling to Him. At such times all the chants that I have memorized desert me. Yet there is a strange sense of calm within me.
Yes, I know the pace with which I connect to Yamunaji keeps changing just like the intensity of my bhakti. But I’m glad she is always around me somewhere. Often that thought alone is more than enough for me.
When I consciously focus on the words that I chant – Viraja gives me a fleeting glimpse of her mystic nature. She loves the time that she spends with Krishna but does not wish to be a hindrance in Radha’s love either. Viraja finds it difficult to live without Krishna but she also knows that Krishna is always within her too. And what does Krishna do when he witnesses Radha’s jealous outburst and Sudama’s angry retort? He just disappears. He could not bear Viraja’s despair too.
Jealousy, anger, despair may all be manifestations of love but at a deeper level they all mean that I want something that is not actually mine. Krishna’s love is everywhere. In you, me, him, her. Krishna is he, she, it and they too. Krishna is as personal to me as he is to you. But he is extremely impersonal to all of us too. He watches Sudama cursing Radha and Radha cursing him in return. He sees Viraja’s genteel exit from the scenario and understands her despair. But he reappears only when they regain their equanimity.
Yamunaji carries Krishna’s essence with her all through her meandering course without asking for anything in return. Her love is unconditional. Her bhakti unquestionable. She swings through all the ups and downs of her life with such serenity. The only time she stands up for herself and refuses to do Balarama’s bidding, she is forced to do so. She quickly realizes her folly of not recognizing Sesha, the partial avatar of Krishna and asks for forgiveness. Sesha represents Time. Yamunaji may have meandered away from Krishna. But Time had brought her closer to Krishna. I get the message.
Krishna disappears when Radha and Sudama indulge in a verbal duel. But Krishna reappears the instant they regain their equanimity. He clearly states that he cannot revoke the curses made by his devotees. That they will have to live through their curses. But he also gives all of them a glimmer of hope saying that they will return to Goloka in the end. That is such a beautiful thought to hold onto.
It sinks in gradually but I do understand that I have to be more watchful about my actions if I want to lead a love-filled life. I need to make room for other people too in my heart and mind. Or face the consequences. And things may not always work in my favour.
I do radiate negative energy when things go haywire in my life. But I need to understand that things don’t always work out in systematic neat little ways. I need to hammer in this fact into my head and heart that I cannot always control everyone and everything in my life. And I need to make conscious efforts to curb the negative energy that I radiate if I want Krishna to remain within me.
And despite knowing all this, if I still choose to be jealous or angry or sad, I have to face the consequences of my actions. Krishna is not going to negate the impact of the consequences. I have to face them on my own.
Yet, I also know that it is not so easy to overcome my inherent tendencies. Often, I am caught up in a whirlpool of situations, thoughts and emotions without even being aware of it. More often than not, I do not even realize that I am making mistakes because what I do seems so very right to me. It is only when I connect to the Krishna that resides within the other, that I am able to see things from the other person’s point of view.
But Mura, my defensive barrier, my ego, prevents me from making this connection. I am scared of making that connection. A different set of fears plague me now. I assume I will experience pain again. My fears make my love conditional. So Krishna disappears. I realize that Krishna disappears wherever and whenever there are conditions.
I am bewildered by all this. And I can’t find a way out of it all. So I dip into Yamunaji’s Bhakti to understand the essence of unconditional love from her. I let down my guard a wee bit – just a wee bit. I get the strength and the courage to say, “Jai Shree Krishna”. But I say it softly now – not flippantly or casually.
The negative energy flows out of my soul creating space for Krishna. I am happy that Krishna is back within me again. I decide to be more conscious about my actions.
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Photo given by Meera.
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