Acknowledging My Ego
In the first verse, Shri Vallabhacharya says:
Nam ami Yamuna Maham, Sakal siddhi yetu Muda,
Murari Pada Pankaja Sfurada manda Renut katam,
Tatastha Nav Kanana, Prakata Mod Pushp ambunaa,
Sur Asuru Poojiteh, Smara Pitum Shriyam Vibhra tim(1)
I close my eyes and salute your vastness, Yamuna. I am ignorant and you are an embodiment of divine powers. How lotuses quiver and your dull sandy banks shimmer when Murari walks along them. New groves with several flowers which give much joy manifest on your banks. The Suras and Asuras worship you. I meditate on the lord wearing yellow clothes to discard my conceit and illusions and to calm the restlessness of my fish like mind.
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Acknowledging My Ego
I do have an ego. But I pretend that it does not exist within me. Sometimes I ignore it altogether with the hope that if I do not acknowledge it, it will go away on its own. I like to believe that I am humble though I do know that is not always the case. Strangely I have also convinced myself that having an ego is a bad thing. I do not realize that my ego, like Mura the demon, is guarding the gates of my heart and soul. It is my defence mechanism, a shield that protects me from my outer world. But what am I protecting?
Like Narakasura, I too hold more than 16,100 painful, bitter memories and fears as captive in my heart. I hoard my myriad dreams, desires and goals. They are like the precious earrings of Aditi and the umbrella of Varuna. They give me an identity. And they give me a purpose. They give my life a meaning. Often they define my life itself. I want to live my life my way with my values and my beliefs.
But I am not always able to so. I do not want to mould myself to the whims and fancies of others yet I am often forced to. This frustrates me. I feel good when others appreciate me or my efforts. So I ignore my frustration put on a mask, a façade and do things to make others happy. I want to be accepted as a good, cheerful, humane etc. person, a likeable person. I like being liked by others. It makes me feel good. So I avoid the company of people who make me question myself, my beliefs and my values.
The coarse shifting sands under my feet slacken the pace and alter the course of my life. Sometimes the sand is soft, cool and feels silken and nice, yet at other times it is so hot that I have to seek the shelter of a shady tree.
I get a whiff of the fragrance of Bhakti when I bow down my head a bit and say, “Jai Shree Krishna”. It is a form of greeting that acknowledges the divinity that resides within the other. Yes, out of habit, I do begin most conversations with this greeting but often I utter it almost casually. Sometimes flippantly. I take God and Yamunaji for granted. But I know that Yamunaji has no problems with it. I often feel that this external verbal expression makes a tiny internal impact on my soul though I am not always aware of it.
When I start chanting the Yamunashtakam, my heart and my mind meander in a hundred different directions. There is a Samudra Manthan of worry, anxiety and fear in my heart and mind. My Sur- Asur tendencies keep churning me in two completely different directions even when I am asleep. It is difficult, extremely difficult, to remain beautifully detached like the lotus, amidst the cacophony of my thoughts and the turmoil of my emotions. My hungers and expectations are many. My fears outnumber them all. The minute I deal with one fear, hunger, expectation and/or desire – a new fear, hunger, expectation and/or desire emerges in its place.
When I discuss my fears, hungers, desires and expectations with my loved ones – my negative tendencies like anger, pain, frustration and fear are the first ones that come pouring out. Often I am unable to control this chaotic flow. I do lose control. I do breakdown. Like the Halahal, I do end up uttering venomous, spiteful and sarcastic words to my loved ones, scarring their tender hearts and their minds with hatred forever. I feel ashamed when I do this. But I am too vain to accept my flaws – even to myself.
Yet I feel strangely at peace after I vent out like this. I like to believe that when I reflect on such experiences, go through this kind of manthan, Yamunaji blesses me with bliss. I know my fears, dreams, desires and expectations are constants in my life. They are worth experiencing too. Because only when I plumb the depths of despair will I learn to value bliss.
When I chant the Yamunashtakam, such aspects of my life no longer trouble me – at least for a while. Like Yamunaji’s tortoise, I think I will be able to work on them at a very slow pace. I still think I can find solutions to all my problems. I realize that I am extremely foolish, conceited and egoistic.
And having realized this much, I seek, consciously seek Yamunaji’s presence in my life. I am able to acknowledge the presence of my strong, firm defensive barrier, my ego – because I know for sure that She will accept all my weaknesses, understand all my fears, accept all my pain and still have the magnanimity to give me the solace that I am looking for.
I feel safe with her Bhakti. So I feel more in control of myself, more empowered by all the siddhis that she has blessed me with today. The fish like restlessness in my heart and mind transforms into stillness. My illusions fade into the background – at least temporarily. I get the positive energy to live through my day with a fresh perspective.
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Photo given by Meera.
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