Dear Bestie,
I still clearly remember my first day in college. I had joined a week late. So I felt a little left out. But the very next day, you called me and asked me to sit next to you. There was no looking back after that. We gelled instantly. And chatted endlessly about everything and anything. Both of us had several other close friends. But we realized very quickly that we shared a very special bond.
When I invited you all for our house warming ceremony a week later, I was in for a pleasant surprise when my Ma said, “This is the girl you like the most, isn’t it? She looks as naughty as you. No wonder you get along so well. ”I just grinned at her foolishly.
Very soon our families started teasing us saying, “You must have been twins in your previous births. It’s not a coincidence that whatever happens to you happens to your friend too and vice versa within a short span of time.”
Time whizzed past us and soon we were out of college and got married too. Even today, I just have to think about those days briefly to relive all the fun moments that we shared together. And I clearly remember the day when you called me and said, “I’m pregnant.” And I replied saying, “Hey! That’s great. Congratulations. I’m pregnant too.”
Both of us were on cloud nine for the next nine months. We spent hours reading stuff on pregnancy, sharing tips, facts, myths, jokes and filled pages and pages of never-ending planners and what not. We were so eager to meet each other and flaunt our bumps too. We discovered to our immense surprise that only a fortnight separated our delivery dates.
We decided to get admitted to the same hospital and even consulted the same gynaecologist. But little did we know that things would go haywire very soon. On December 6th 2019, which was your due date, I had to undergo a C-section to welcome my bundles of joy. And you were going in for the last scan before your delivery was scheduled.
So many things spiralled out of control in your life after that. You not only lost your precious baby but you went through hell to deliver your stillborn child too. Even today, I can only try to fathom what you must have been through at that time.
All my family members knew about your loss. But no one uttered a word about your baby to me. They were all doing their best to hide their sorrow and celebrate the birth of my babies at the same time.
For several days after that, I was busy nursing my twins, meeting visitors and just recovering from my surgery. But the minute I was able to – I texted you and called you. I wanted to share my joy with you and yearned to be a part of your happiness too.
I was so stupid that I never – even for a moment – doubted that something could have happened to you. I was completely oblivious to your situation. And I was extremely upset and angry with you for not replying to my calls and texts. One fine day, when I could no longer bear your long silence any more, I just decided to step out to meet you in person.
My Ma said, “You have just recovered from your surgery. You have two babies to nurse. And you most definitely should not be going out now.” But I had made up my mind. I was going to visit you. My Ma knew I would ignore her advice. So she asked me to sit down first. I refused. She then said, “If you promise me that you will not cry, I will share something with you.”
I was shattered when I heard her words. I felt like someone had just drowned me in an ice-cold tub of water. I cried myself to sleep that night. I wondered how you must be feeling. I felt as if I had lost a baby too. I looked at my twins. I felt so happy just to see them. But I felt deeply sad for the baby you had lost.
But what touched me the most was the fact that Jiju had the magnanimity to come over and congratulate my husband in the hospital despite what had happened to you. And I could not brink back my tears when aunty said, “You are my daughter too, isn’t it? How can I ruin your happiness? That is why my son and I deliberately did not share the news with you. We knew you would be deeply upset about it.” It’s rare indeed to find souls like them.
But when I finally did get around to meeting you, for the first time in years, I didn’t know how you felt. I usually know what, how when and why you feel the way you do just by looking at you. But that day when I saw the look on your face I couldn’t read your thoughts. Somehow I sensed that something within you had changed because you suddenly seemed so different.
And that scared me. A lot. I was scared that I would lose you too. You were just not ready to talk to me. For the first time since I met you I was tiptoeing around you with my words. I was filled with fear because I genuinely believed that you might collapse if I asked you anything about those fateful days.
Again when you finally began opening up, for the first time I was at a complete loss for words. I just couldn’t find the right words to comfort you. But we do share a very special relationship. And that stood us in good stead at this crucial juncture. It was only a question of time before we finally poured our hearts out to each other one fine day. I felt much much lighter that day. I knew then, for sure, that I hadn’t lost you and I never would too.
Now I waited for you to give me the news of your pregnancy again. And very soon you did too. I was elated. I know you know all this. But I’ll say what I have to anyway. We are best friends after all. So just know that this time around everything is going to be okay. Absolutely absolutely okay. You have been through a lot. But that has only made you stronger than ever. You, my dear dear friend, are one of the strongest women I know. So continue to be strong. For yourself and the baby to come.
Forget the past. Don’t dwell on the “If I could haves.” That chapter of your life is over. Don’t try to find out why all that happened. Let it go. You have grieved and grieved enough. Now live in the moment. Enjoy your pregnancy. Be positive. You have been and will always be a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and mother too. Yes, you were a mother when your angel baby was inside you. You are going to be a wonderful mom to this baby too.
Aah. Yes. I know all this. Very well. For I am your best friend cum twin sister rolled into one, aren’t I? So. Smile. Now. Square your shoulders. Lift your chin up. A little higher. With determination. Yes. That’s perfect. And march ahead with faith and courage. Hey. Wait. Look. I’m standing right next to you. Holding your hand firmly in mine. And why am I with you? Because I love you and will always be there for you. No matter what.
Love,
Gundu.