I can use one sentence to describe my entire childhood: “I was a vagabond”. I lost my father when I was 8 years old. We were 8 brothers and sisters in all. But two of my brothers passed away within a couple of years of their birth. I don’t remember the exact details about their sickness. All I remember is that we all grew up together in a big joint family.
My Ma was always busy so all of us were pretty much left to our own devices. I don’t know – maybe I was a vagabond during my childhood because I did not have a strong father figure to look up to. Maybe. I didn’t really miss him but yes, there was a strange void in my life though I never realized it at that time. Maybe I never missed him because I was always surrounded by my siblings who were just a couple of years younger or older than me.
I had a passion for football. I would go to school an hour earlier to play but I was not the captain or the goalkeeper or anything like that. I just played and loved playing. I did not perform very well academically too. I would just make the passing grade but I do know that there were a lot of red lines in my report cards.
Yes, we studied in good schools and colleges but did not lead a lavish lifestyle. None of us owned a bicycle even. I used to borrow my friend’s bicycle to learn cycling. I would then ride doubles and triples with my other friends till late in the evening.
We would play together for hours together but I never fought with anyone. None of my siblings too ever entered into any kind of argument with others. That way we were all quite well behaved. We had a decent set of friends. But I didn’t have one best friend either. We all just grew up together and had a lot of fun along the way. That’s about it.
Hmmm…yes, I had a “Chalta hai” attitude. I was never serious about anything. I studied for the sake of studying. I played because I enjoyed the game. I was not passionate or zealous about anything at all. We would all go to school together. We would return home, study for some more time with our special tuition teacher and then play till dinner time.
Today, I regret spending my entire school life without any ambition, goal or passion. I was not even aware of such things. It was only when I entered college and saw the other students studying hard and working towards a goal with purpose and determination that I slowly started realizing that I was missing out on something. But I did not know what that “something” was! I continued to associate with like minded friends though I was aware of other students who were zealous and passionate about things that they believed in.
Like me, a lot of other boys had left their home towns to pursue their degree in a good college. I lived in a hostel with other boys. And I clearly remember one thing. I would feel sad whenever I saw my friends’ parents visiting them. They would bring lots of homemade snacks for them. At such times I missed my Ma and my Pa very much. I wished my Ma would visit me often like other mothers but I knew she was busy taking care of my other brothers, sisters and family members.
I don’t have any complaints about them though. I was always well provided for. I was given enough money to take care of my expenses. I never squandered money but I did not know the value of money either.
I realized how naïve, ignorant and carefree I was only when I was on the verge of getting my degree. That was perhaps the turning point of my life. I badly wanted to turn the clock back and set things right in my life. But it was too late to do so now. The past was past. I had lost all opportunities to mould my intellect and refine my thinking.
No. I can’t blame anyone else or the situation at all. All my family members loved me and had done their best for me. I don’t think I can blame it on the absence of a father figure either. Maybe if my father had been alive, I would have got some kind of guidance. I don’t know. I can’t say much about that because I never got to know him.
I should have been more mature. I should have been more goal-oriented and more zealous about studying at least. Other students my age were more responsible than me and understood the value of education. Maybe I did not want to or was not ready to shoulder that kind of responsibility. So I chose to just get by doing as little as possible.
I have to accept my mistakes and face reality. My past is over. I cannot change it even if I work doubly hard now. I missed several golden opportunities in my life. I just wish other children learn from my mistakes.