What relationship? I did not share any relationship with my father. None at all. Yes, he was a good, kind and generous man. He had a close doctor friend. My father helped all the poor patients who came to this doctor. He would buy their medicines, pay for their treatment and even take them to Mumbai so that they could get good medical treatment.
He also shared a great bond with all his brothers and uncles. He wanted to become a doctor himself but for some reason could not. But he personally ensured that all his brothers and sisters got a good education.
I have three other siblings. Only my youngest sister shared some kind of a bond with our father. He was always so busy helping others and discussing things about their lives that it simply never occurred to him that he should spend time with his children too or get to know them.
I was bundled off to Indore, to my Mama’s house when I was three years old. I studied in a Hindi medium school there. Three years later, I was told that I had to study in a school in our town itself. I don’t know the reason for this even today. All I know is that suddenly nothing made any sense to me.
I was now put in a Marathi medium school in our home town. The script was similar to Hindi but the vocabulary was very different. I was very young. I was desperate for support. I wanted someone to help me cope with this change. My Ma did not know Marathi and so was unable to help me. And my father – he was, as usual, busy supporting and helping other people!
There is a big void in my life even today because I never understood a word of what was taught in my new school. I was eager to study and amass the knowledge that was hidden in the pages of those wonderful books. But I would get extremely frustrated when I could not decipher the meanings of the words. Only some words made sense to me because they were familiar and had the same meaning in Hindi. But more often than not I failed to comprehend anything. In school, the only solution that my teachers gave me for my language barrier was, “Just by heart the entire text. You will pass!” This gap just went on widening over the years….
The worst part of it all was that instead of trying to understand that I was doing my best to cope in school, my father would ridicule me. He would use a caustic dismissive tone and say, “You? You are no good! What will a dumbo like you ever do?” I would feel very hurt when he said such things. Often I would feel that I was really a dumbo. I so very badly wanted to prove myself to him. In fact, they had made me repeat my 3rd standard after I moved to my home town. But still I found it difficult to understand a new language like Marathi.
My cousins and siblings had all studied in the same school and the same language right from their childhood years. They did not get great marks but they understood what was taught in class in the school and they could understand what they read in the books. Unlike me. Unlike a dumbo like me.
Yes, I did pass each year but only because I “by hearted” everything without understanding anything. The problem only worsened when I went to college because now the medium of education suddenly changed to English. I had only fundamental knowledge about English. It was one of our subjects in school. And now we had to study all our subjects in advanced English.
I would often feel miserable because I had a wonderful book full of interesting diagrams and tables in front of me. I was curious to learn more about it all. But nothing made any sense to me. I was forced to follow my earlier strategy. I just mugged up things without understanding anything.
The day our college results were declared my uncle entered our house proudly, looked at my father and said, “See, my son has scored such great marks! But your son? Your son has failed in a paper!” I was standing in the corner of the living room – a mute witness to the entire scene. My father did not even bother to look at me. He said, “He? He is a dumbo. He will never amount to much in his life. I’m so proud of your son’s marks.”
That day, I sat by myself for a long time. No I did not cry. I just felt empty. What was there to cry about? I did not get any love or respect from him. So I did not lose anything – you see. But that day I made up my mind to leave my house forever….but that is a different story altogether.
I returned home years later when my father fell sick. His face looked wan and sallow. I lingered in the background because I did not know how or what to discuss with him. I just did what was necessary. It was during this phase that my father started reaching out to all of us.
Maybe he realized his mistake about how he had neglected all his children. Maybe he understood why I had opted to live in a different city that day. I don’t know exactly. I just feel so. There was just this strange brief connection that we shared during this phase.
But the damage had been done. Even today, I sit with a dictionary and spend hours to understand a paragraph. At such times I remember how my father constantly ridiculed me. Of what use is remorse? Will it give me what I lost? Can it turn back the clock? Can I relive my life in a different way now? No! So I just move on….
The worst was yet to come. My father passed away a few days later. And suddenly, as the senior most son, I had to look after the business. I was shocked to see the state of the business. My father had been so generous with his money that he had not bothered to invest anything in the business or save something for an emergency like his illness. We had already spent a huge chunk of money for his treatment and now we were all left in dire straits. Plus I knew absolutely next to nothing about running a business.
No one – not even one person came forward to help us out during this phase. My father had spent his entire lifetime helping others and this was our predicament! We did manage to get through this phase but only I know how tough it was to turn things around in my life.
Today I have my own enterprise. I ensure that the interests of my family are protected first. I spend time with my children and grandchildren. I don’t really understand all of them very well all the time. But I make it a point to do my best to see things from their perspectives.
I want to do full justice to my role as a father and grandfather. That is the only thing that matters the most to me now….