As parents, we all have grandiose dreams for our children. We keep pushing them. We want them to realize their potential. We want to equip them with all kinds of skills so that they do well in life. We do have their best interests at heart but are we doing the right thing by goading them beyond their limits?
I did not even bother to watch the entire video. I knew something was amiss. I shrugged my shoulders and assumed I would forget about it after a while. But it continued to linger in my memory….
He was just a cute little boy, four/five years old. But he was rattling off all the details about national leaders and their achievements! The young mother was coaxing the details out of the child. I was sure she had spent hours, maybe even days, to make him memorize all that.
Sadly, I wasn’t too impressed by it. I just put down the phone and breathed deeply. The same feeling had plagued me in the past. I was working as a teacher in a great school at that time. The music team was doing an excellent job as usual. The prayer sessions always filled us all with a deep sense of peace. It was a great way to start the day, every day.
After the prayer session, the students took turns to recite something good on stage. That day, a third-grade student came up on stage…..and started reciting a long passage from Shakespeare…..perfectly. It was long. And he was perfect in every way. The intonation was right. His voice was filled with emotion and there was not a trace of fear on his face. He had memorized it well. It must have taken him several days to do so. He did manage to get a huge round of applause. But somehow, even on that day, I hadn’t been too impressed by it.
Why do we force our children to memorize things they don’t understand? Was that kid in the video really old enough to understand the achievements of national leaders? Was the kid on stage really mature enough to comprehend the essence of Shakespeare?
Yes, some things do have to be memorized – like the alphabets, numbers, words, mathematical tables etc. All this is done at the right time and the right age. The syllabus is graded in such a way that all children get enough time to learn things at their own pace. Yes, there are times when our children may not understand what they are memorizing right now but will understand why we made them memorize such things at a later stage. They are too young to understand what we are doing for them. That is fine. It is a part of the learning process – a very necessary part of it. So we do have to do such things.
But it is only when we get into the habit of pushing them beyond their limits all the time that it becomes a problem. I could see the child fidgeting with his fingers and playing with the few toys that were around him in the video. He had learnt something by rote. He knew his Ma would not let go of him till he repeated all the things that she had made him memorize. It looked as if he wanted to get it done as quickly as possible so that he could play with his toys.
Again, I was very very sure that the child who had recited that long passage of Shakespeare on the stage did not even make an attempt to understand what he was reciting. Shakespeare is taught to students who study in grade 10 and here was a third grader reciting it perfectly! And the entire school was applauding too!
I was a mere teacher. I could not change the system of the school. It was just a one-off recitation that had touched a raw nerve that day. All other days, children usually recited what they understood. And I knew nobody really cared for my thoughts. So I shrugged and moved on. But today, I am making it a point to write about my thoughts because I don’t want other parents to make the same mistake.
I was the youngest girl in my class. I struggled to understand the concepts that other students could grasp easily. I just about managed to pass in all the subjects. It was very frustrating. I often ended up memorizing passages that I could not comprehend. Often I forgot all that I had memorized when I saw the long ominous looking question paper. Exams made me nervous. And nervousness made me forget everything that I had so painstakingly memorized.
Yet, I consider myself fortunate because my parents never pressurized me in any way. I was given the freedom to make mistakes. I was reprimanded for my mistakes but I was also given enough space and time to learn from them. That has by far been the best gift that my parents have given me. I was never compared with anyone else. I was accepted the way I was. No one pushed me or asked me to learn anything or participate in any activity. I learnt to come out of my shell on my own at my own pace. I suffered from low self-esteem all through my childhood years but eventually discovered my passion too. The learning curve was steep. The learning curve was slow. The only pressure that I worked under was the pressure that I had created for myself. I learnt to push myself to do the things I loved doing. It wasn’t easy. But it was worth it.
I was an over-zealous parent too. I wanted my child to do well academically too. The admission process can beat the hell out of our best intentions. Marks matter. Marks make a big difference. Everywhere. Academic performance can enhance the quality of your career and life. I know that first hand because like you all, I too am a parent. There is a lot of pressure on our children and on us too. I do understand.
That is why it becomes all the more important to not add any additional pressure on our children. Our children can never ever enjoy their childhood as we did. That is sad enough. Let us at least refrain from putting this kind of unnecessary pressure on our children. Let us not force them to perform in other areas. Let us not foist our unfulfilled dreams and ambitions on them. Yes, sometimes, we do this unknowingly at a subconscious level.
Let children learn to enjoy the activities that they take part in. Let them do it for the simple joy that it gives them. Let them do things that they love doing at least in other areas. Let them make these choices for themselves. Let them make mistakes. Let them learn from their own mistakes.
We cannot change the academic curriculum or their class teacher or their school. They face enough challenges there. Let’s just give them a break and allow them to enjoy their childhood years instead of forcing them to do things that they don’t understand. Let’s not make them memorize things like this for external recognition. Let’s focus on making them understand things and allow them to learn at their own pace. We owe this to our children.