Transforming myself
In the third verse, Vallabhacharya says:
Bhuvam Bhuvana Pawaneem, Adhikata mane Kaswanaih
Priya Bhiriva Sevitam, Shukha Mayur Hans adi bhi,
Taranga Bhuj Kankana, Prakat Muktika Valuka,
Nitamba Tat Sundarim, Namat Krushna Turya Priyam(3)
You purify your abode, the Earth. I can feel the deep emotional connection with you. Your beloved devotees and birds like parrots, peacocks, swans etc. crowd along your banks to serve you. Your wavy waters adorn your arms like bracelets. Pearls manifest out of your sandy river bed. Gauri, the radiant goddess emerged out of your banks. I bow down to you, the fourth but most beloved consort of Krishna.
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Transforming myself
I feel safe even when I have just a wee bit of Krishna within me. Often I can make no sense of all that is happening in my life. All my knowledge, my virtues and values desert me at such times. Hurt, anger, sadness and bitterness quickly take their place.
I realize that I may have committed several sins in my past and will continue to do so till I die – despite my best and most conscious efforts. I know I must bear all the fruits of my karma even though I don’t like them. But I do have a choice. Instead of succumbing to the temptation of my ego, I decide to delve into the divinity of the Yamunashtak.
I can sense the feeling of bliss permeating in my heart. I know I will have to confront my fears and my pain someday. But I keep postponing this. I do not have the courage to face them. So I pretend my fears are created out of my imagination. And when I ignore them, give them no importance at all – they magically disappear too.
My breathing is calmer now as I chant along. I realize that I have not recited the chant correctly. And I am sure I have missed out on a couple of stanzas. I decide to focus this time. My tone is firm, my voice a little louder. Slowly, ever so gently, I can feel the transformation within me. Yamunaji transforms Kali to Durga within my heart.
The anger is no longer so fiery, the pain not as acute, the bitterness not as sour. I wonder about Shukhadev and the peacock and the swan as I chant along. They symbolize immense knowledge, beauty and the power of discrimination. I do know this much. I slowly understand how all these qualities desert me when I allow my fears, hurt, bitterness and sadness to overwhelm me.
And as I chant along, I can feel all my negative tendencies transforming into bliss. Often this transformation is subtle. It is intangible but it comforts me and encourages me to chant more regularly. If Yamunaji could absorb the intense sorrow of Shiva and the venom of Kaliya, I was sure she would imbibe my pain too. That thought soothes me.
But the very next line perplexes me. I realize that my challenges are actually blessings in disguise. I may not know how to deal with them. But they help me forge a deeper bond with God. They actually mould me into a more humane and sensitive human being. I am more aware of the pain that others experience now. I wonder how they cope with it all.
These are the nuggets, the pearls of wisdom that I discover when I focus more closely on each word/line of the chant. I now know that I too have to delve deep within me to discover the mystic pearls of divinity that Yamunaji gives to all her seekers. Her bhakti has the power to transform Kali’s wrath to serenity. Her bhakti enables gods like Shiva and warriors like Arjuna to gain access to the divine dance, the Maha Raas. I am sure a wee bit of it will rub off on me too.
Yet, this entire inward journey proves to be a short one. I do have to face the external world, the real world too. For I cannot exist in the divine world for ever. I am only human. But this internal journey changes the quality of my thoughts and emotions, thereby changing the quality of my interactions and my day. And for now that is enough for me.
I understand why Krishna treats Kalindi as an independent wife. Kalindi signifies Bhakti. I live in the material world of Shreedevi. And I cannot ignore the material realities of my life. I do exist in Bhudevi’s realm. I do have to live through my life with as much dignity as I can. But I cannot ignore the animal instincts that lie dormant within me. I need to survive. I need to be true to myself too. There will be times when I have to stand up for myself and fight. There will be times when I have to flee or retreat in silence too. Fear may freeze me. But fear does serve a purpose too. Fear forces me to reflect. I do my best to control my impulses and senses. If and when I find no way out, I go in.
I find Yamunaji waiting with open arms there. She holds me tightly in her warm embrace – healing, soothing and quietening the cacophony of my thoughts and the turmoil of my heart. And She gives me all the time that I want to think and to heal and to feel too. She never rushes me. I know she will never fail me.
So I hand over the reins of my life to her. I allow her to take over. She smiles. Gently and serenely and hands them right back to me. I know she can only transform me. It is up to me to put that transformation to good use in my life. It is my life. I need to deal with it. Those barriers that protect my pain and fear drop down a bit more. Just a wee bit more. They no longer seem so ominous now that Yamunaji is with me. I think, but am still not very sure, that I can surmount them all – at the right time and place.
I bow down humbly and acknowledge the divinity that resides within me. Yamunaji gives me the strength to take that next step in the right direction. At least I think it is the right direction. That is enough for me. For now. I allow the bliss of her Bhakti to take charge as I move on.
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Photo given by Meera.
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