You know what the teachers say when they bring such children to me? They will whisper – and the child can hear it too – and say, “Maám adopted. She’s an adopted child!” It’s as if the child has committed some sort of crime. As it is adopted children face a lot of challenges to be accepted as a part of a normal family in our society. And the attitude of such educated people just compounds the problem for the child. And that’s what bothers me the most.
That is beside the point but. The actual problem begins with the parents. I’ll give you two different examples of adoption-related issues that I handled recently. One girl was in her sixth standard when she realized that her parents had adopted her. Her parents had decided to tell her about it when she was old enough to understand it probably. Obviously, they did not know that their decision would have such adverse long term consequences.
And to make matters worse – they told her that they had found her in the town of Nagapattinam and her parents had been washed away in the Tsunami that occurred several years back. It came as a big shock to the poor girl to suddenly realize that her parents were not her real parents. And that she actually belonged to someone else. She suddenly lost her bearings and felt lost and lonely despite the love and the care that her foster parents continued to shower on her.
But once she recovered a bit from her initial shocked state, she tallied her birth date with the occurrence of the Tsunami. And there was a big mismatch between the two dates. Actually, the girl had been abandoned on the road. And the well-meaning parents had tried to conceal the truth because they did not want to hurt her.
But when the girl came to know about all this, she could draw only one conclusion from it all – that her foster parents had lied to her. So she no longer trusted anything they said. And was now very confused because she did not know when to believe her parents and wondered – all the time – if they were telling her the truth or lying to her – again.
And she wanted to know who her real parents were and why they had abandoned her. Yes, I agree. It is quite natural to want to know such things. But that is not the point I am trying to make. What I want to tell you is that the child must be told in a very nice and simple manner right from her childhood that she was adopted – and not born normally to her parents like other children but they as her parents love her as much as her real parents would have. It has to be revealed to her gently in a simple manner. Else such things are bound to shock the child later on.
Yes. I’m coming to that. One girl in my school knew right from her childhood itself that she was an adopted child. The parents hid nothing from her or their neighbours or family too probably. And that turned out to be the biggest blessing for that girl. No. It wasn’t as if this girl did not face any issues at all. In fact, she too had to face several issues all through her school life. But she trusted her parents to the core, was grateful for their presence in her life and they came to me for several sessions of counselling even privately to help her get over the issues that she was facing in her school.
Unlike the previous girl that we talked about, this girl’s entire world did not come crashing down on her all of a sudden. In fact, she started having problems in her first or second standard itself. You know how children are, don’t you? They must have got around to chatting about what their parents did or something like that in the classroom and they ended up telling this girl – that she was not her parent’s real child because she was found in a dustbin.
The poor girl was obviously in tears. And I had to hold a discussion with the children of the entire class and explain to them in simple language how such casual remarks can hurt their friends and why we should respect such children and their parents instead of making fun of them.
The children do understand and empathize. That kind of sensitivity they do have. But once a child enters a school, he grows up with the same set of classmates for a good 10 or 12 years. No? All the children and the teachers know about each child’s background thoroughly. But those barriers never disappear from their minds. They continue to look at adopted children through a different lens and treat them a little differently too.
For instance, this girl was adopted by an extremely educated doctor couple. But she would score slightly above average grades in her exams. And the first thing that all her peers and the teachers would say is – she is an adopted child – No? – so she does not have the same IQ level as her parents. I mean that is ridiculous, isn’t it? All children are not exact replicas of their parents – in intellect or talent – are they? They may inherit a few traits. But even twins can be as different as chalk from cheese.
Why don’t people think of such things? Why are we so quick to judge and criticise and condemn people who have a slightly different background and upbringing than ours? Of course, the parents of this girl immediately came to me and asked me to counsel her privately again if necessary. And she did eventually work her way out of all these situations too.
But you see the point I am trying to make now? It is not as if this adopted child had no issues at all. She faced several issues too. But she had complete faith in her parents and respected them for what they were doing for her. She trusted them and loved them for all that they were doing for her. Both sets of parents loved their daughters a lot. But in the latter case, the girl took the support of her parents. Whilst in the former case the building block of trust and faith itself crumbled under the girl’s feet and the parents were having a tough time trying to deal with the situation. They didn’t know what to do. Such a small thing – a slightly delayed decision- can have such a huge impact on the child’s psyche.
No, casually discussing things about other such adopted children at home will not help. Every situation is different. Each child is unique. We have to keep all these factors in mind and deal with the situation in a sensitive manner at the right time. How will the child know that the parents are trying to convey a message to her specifically if they just casually discuss such things amongst themselves at home? No. No. That won’t work. It may help a bit. But not much. Children need to know that they are adopted right from the beginning and I can assure of this based on my own experience and knowledge.
These are the kinds of issues I face in my role as a counsellor. And I wanted to talk about this because I wanted more people to become aware about such things. I’m glad you loved listening to all this. I loved chatting about this with you too.