60 years is a long time, you know. Schooling was not valued as much as it is now. Yes, we all went to school. My father too would scream at me when I did not fare well in my exams or failed. But beyond that, we were pretty much left to ourselves. No one sat down with us and made us study. Most parents today would find it difficult to believe that, I know. But that’s how things were back then.
I don’t know the reason exactly. All I remember now is that I was shifted from the Christian school near my house and put in another school which was far away from our house when I was in the third standard. My elder sister and younger brother too studied there.
But I wasn’t put in the third, fourth or fifth standard. I was admitted directly to the sixth standard. Just imagine. What a big leap that must have been for a third standard student. Obviously, I did not understand anything for the first few months. I don’t know how, but I managed to scrape through for the next two years and managed to get into the eighth standard.
My father then put me in a different school when I was in the ninth standard. My cousin too shifted to this school. Yes, I must have found it difficult to adapt to the new school and teachers. But I didn’t have a choice. So I did what I had to – studied to the best of my ability.
Now in ninth standard, we had to select an elective subject for our tenth standard. I was clueless. I didn’t know which subject I should opt for as my elective. My cousin had decided to take up Physics. So I too opted for Physics. That seemed to be the simplest solution.
It did not take me long to realize that I had made a serious mistake by taking up Physics. I could not understand a single word of what was being taught in the class. I failed to clear this paper and had to repeat a year. That was my first failure. It didn’t feel good. At all.
I hung around at home the whole day studying the same subjects again. This time I opted for economics because it looked like something that I could understand. But how do you pass your time when you have the whole day to yourself? It isn’t easy to sit and study the whole day, and all by yourself too, is it?
So I would attend lectures given by spiritual leaders and try to study on my own. But couldn’t. It’s boring. No? My father, of course, quite naturally, was very annoyed with me. He would scream at me and throw away my stationery when he saw me whiling away my time at home. But one fine day, he decided to appoint a home tutor for me. And honestly speaking, I had a big void in my head until this tutor entered my life. Nothing made any sense to me. None of my subjects.
My tutor would slap me and put me through a punishing routine. He made me learn things by rote and kept an eagle eye on my progress. Things did not improve immediately, of course. But finally, we were making steady progress. I was relieved to clear my tenth standard exam the next year.
Even at this stage, I was not very clear about which line I should opt for in college. Initially, I wanted to take up Political Science. But I didn’t know if I could cope with it so I stuck to something that made some sense to me. I decided to get a degree in Economics.
For the first 5 semesters, I did not have any problems. I could understand the basics of what was being taught in our college lectures. I had quite a few friends. My cousin too studied with me. Unfortunately, in the final year, I failed in one subject. So I had to drop another year in college too. It was not a very nice feeling, to be honest. I felt as if I was a dumb person.
This time I was on my own. There was no personal tutor to guide me. I could not study one subject for the whole of one year. So I would attend spiritual discourses given by a beautiful person. Albeit in a very different, maybe even unique way, several things fell in place in my mind and heart during this phase. It was as if I was creating an entirely new personality for myself. My thoughts evolved and I understood many things about myself. The year passed and I did manage to get my degree too.
I remember one incident clearly, though. During one of our exams, all the students indulged in mass copying. The news spread like wildfire and the entire incident was published in the local newspaper. Much to my horror, my classmates assumed that I was the one who had leaked the news to the press. I could hear them discussing the matter amongst themselves. They were so angry with me that they carried knives with them so that they could attack me the minute they spotted me.
But there were several students in our college so no one really knew me by face. I wonder what they would have done to me if they knew I was standing right behind them. My cousin and I just kept a low profile for a few weeks and waited for the whole thing to blow over.
After I got my degree the next year, I decided to study Law. It was only here that things made complete sense to me. I could finally understand what I was being taught and found it interesting too.
But that could never wipe out the feeling of inadequacy that I felt when I was studying in school and college. Somehow even today, I feel I am dumb because I could never make the passing grade in one shot like all my other friends.
It’s all very well to look back on one’s past and laugh it off with a smile. I have no hang-ups about accepting my failures. But even today, the first thing that comes to mind when I think about those two years that I dropped is that I must have been a dumb kid to have failed like that and that too twice.
Failure can teach us many things. The world may even forget and forgive our failures. I did move on in life. I have even created a name for myself now. Yet, I cannot shake off the feeling that I fell short of passing grade twice in my life and therefore I must be dumb in some way or the other. Perhaps the label will live with me for life. I don’t really think of it so often now. The past does get buried but it will remain a part of you forever too. No? You tell me….